Tom Jones or Bigfoot

From the Desk of Professor Travis
Drink Tank Laboratories

Experiment # 105
Which has the stronger cock?
Bigfoot or Tom Jones?

This experiment was undertaken at Drink Tank Laboratories between the dates of April 12th through April 17th, 2008.

This experiment involved an extremely sensitive subject. Namely, cock strength. There is really only one way to test cock stremph, but seeing as cockfighting is illegal in this country, I had to resort to other measures. After boiling two chicken breasts, I decided to assign each one the identity of the subjects in question. Using a scientific method too complex to get into here, I attached the likenesses of Bigfoot and Tom Jones to the two chickens (fig.1). I allowed them to fully mature in the Lab facility for five days.

Test 1 - The Smell Test (fig.2)
Five days sure does make a difference. Tom Jones smelled pretty bad. Bigfoot smelled worse. If a strong smell isn't a measure of strength, I don't know what is.
Winner - Bigfoot

Test 2 - The Danglin' Test (fig.3)
What better way to test a chicken's fortitude than to dangle heavy objects from it? I found an ingenious way of attaching this increasingly heavier objects to both subjects to see which would hold out without ripping first. When I got to level 3 and attached this metal and plastic armature, a remnant of shattered dreams and unrealized potential, only Tom held up, and Bigfoot, like Patsy Cline, fell to pieces.
Winner - Tom Jones

Test 3 - The High Jump (fig. 4)
Here's the way I figure it. Strength is a virtue. And being virtuous can get you into heaven. Therefore, the higher I can throw something, the closer to heaven it gets and this, logically, means it must be stronger. A gentle lob sent Tom Jones rocketing to the ceiling where part of him still remains, a greasy chicken glob hanging over my desk. Bigfoot, having been perviously torn asunder in Test 2, just kind of went everywhere, to the delight of the kittys.
Winner - Tom Jones

Results -
In two out of three tests, Tom Jones has proven his cocksmanship over Bigfoot. And as Tom's self-proclained arch-enemy Meatloaf once lyrically declared, "two out of three ain't bad."